i would... BUT

i would post this past week, but i'm on my way to ecuador tomorrow. till then.

p.s. andrew i love your camera and you and i'm forever in your debt. kisses.

the week in polaroids...

02-11-09


02-12-09


02-13-09 (because of terry evans)


02-14-09 (found on kedzie at armitage)


02-15-09


02-16-09

for rent

let us know. we're great i swear.

find me a new word for "untitled"

something old, something new, some residual thoughts in my brain and images laying quietly in my peripheral.

an ode... to columbia aesthetics

hooray, school has commenced.

geek out moment...

went to minneapolis and photographed in front of a Dan Flavin piece. got to go up to it, and take an ambient reading. life is alittle closer to being complete.

letters to an ex-lover NEW PROJECT

Pictures to follow. Have you ever had someone so ridiculous in your life that the two of you can only communicate through letter, mix tapes, and poems? You make so much sense in the world the only thing that makes sense is that it doesn't make sense. Your whole existence is a conundrum.

I seem to attract these people. I've had more than one of them in my life.

We're going to start acting out the simple life we theoretically could posses but neither of us can yet manage to get our shit together enough to maintain or pursue.

These are pictures of the life our parents would want for us raising us so that we now question whether or not it is the life we actually want for ourselves.

8-22-08

Lover,


I don't know what to say to that... I don't want to be your Brett.

that was a lie, i have so much to say to that that I sat and wrote for an hour yesterday... but now i don't even know if it matters and i probably will never send that to you. you don't listen to anything anyone says anyways... least of all me so why waste my breath.

I hate that you can say one little thing to me and it's enough to make my heart thump and either ruin my day or make me sleep better.

I hate that i deleted you from my phone, but i still have your number memorized enough to text you when i was drunk.

I hate that I can't cut you out of my life entirely... and even if i could when it all boils down I don't actually want to.

I hate that i'm erasing parts of this message right now as I write it and decide i won't actually send it to you...

I hate that i have so much of a response to give you. I won't give it to you, and all i want to say to you is nothing at all, but i can't even do that. so now all you have are lines of incoherent babble

8-21-08

Lover,


I can't be your Brett. I'm not a character in a book. I don't want to keep moving backwards with you.

You are the one that wants to be " on another path", so let me be on mine.

You clearly don't want to be with me, but you don't want to lose the comfort of having me around as a second choice. I will not be your second choice.

You had a choice between doing something that you knew was going to hurt someone you supposedly care about.... or not. You knew you were going to hurt me, and you chose to do that.

One week you said you still loved me, and days later you have someone new in your bed.

When you said you needed to figure things out, I was genuinely hoping you meant that you needed to figure out that you're almost 25, and have a degree that is almost useless because you're choosing not to do anything with it right now.

But I'm afraid that when you said that, you really meant that you don't want to grow up and you need to stick your dick in every vagina that comes your way.

So enjoy your new vagina, and I hope that you enjoy her because she is beautiful, and interesting, and fun. Because she understands you better than I ever could, and because you actually do care about her and won't choose to hurt her when another new vagina is around.

I guess I'd rather think that our relationship was ruined over something that actually mattered... not an impulsive fling.

Or maybe you enjoy this new vagina because she rides a bike and will do mushrooms with you. I guess that's a measure of character too... although what kind of character I'm not sure.

I would rather not think that you chose to hurt me over the latter... because what does that say about how much I ever meant to you, if you'd rather have a quick fuck and a good trip?

Maybe this is hurtful to hear from me. But at this rate I doubt you'll keep anyone around long enough to tell you the truth again.

I'm not trying to hurt you, I wouldn't intentionally choose to hurt you. Someone has to tell you the truth, and I guess that's the last thing I can do as a friend.

There has always been one person in our relationship taking the other for granted. I think that's one of the things I regret the most. I guess all I've really wanted was for us to NOT take each other for granted and just enjoy having the other person in our lives.

I don't understand why that's so difficult... and if I'm not helping the situation right now I'm sorry but I haven't found a way to do that when I'm still hurt and frustrated with you... just like I still want to (and still do) love you, but I don't know how to deal with that right now, especially when you haven't given me much of a reason to still love you.

Maybe that was your point. Just to make me give up on you. But I don't understand why, when you were the one that has in the past never really given up on me.

I guess that just meant more to me than you ever meant for it to- unless you show me otherwise.

this is a big black hole

-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-[among other things]
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
fuck
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-





-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
















































-
-
-
-
-
-







-
-
-





















0-
-

-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-






-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-






























-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
--
-
-
-
-
-
-


-

-
-
-
----
-
-
-
-
-
---
-
-
---
---------
-
------------------
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-





























-




















-
































-






























-
























































-





























































-







































































































-































































































































-



























































































































-
















































































































-

















































































































-






















-

































-
































-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-







































































































































-
-















































-
-
-
-
-






















































































-
-







































-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-































































































-





































































































































-











































































































































-



























































































































-






















































































-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
--
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
----
-
-
-
-
---
-
--
--
--
-

-
----




-
-

-
-










-
-
----
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
----
-
-
-
-
-
---
-
-
-
-
-
-
--
-

-
-
-
-
-
-
-

















































-
-
-
-
-












-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-



































































































































x















































































x





























































x
































































































































































































































































































































x





































































































































































welcomeback.

flashing blue light...

out of the corners of my eyes when i scroll down i can hear my harddrive make pittering noises. i have one really big head cold and a case of hives again. merry christmas.

somebody told me a beautiful fairy tale...

only it wasn't a fairy tale, it was her life. i guess i had my doubts but i might be able to hold my breath a little longer now.

dear self,

wish you were here...



...again.

a word i abhor:

co·he·sive [koh-hee-siv] Pronunciation Key
–adjective

1. characterized by or causing cohesion: a cohesive agent.

2. cohering or tending to cohere; well-integrated; unified: a cohesive organization.

3. Physics. of or pertaining to the molecular force within a body or substance acting to unite its parts.

Erichead!

My buddy from MCAD. Lovely illustrations, and a pretty decent breaker when he feels like dancing.

Eric Schuster

inventory

yesterday was an interesting day. elise and suzy have been nagging me about making lists thinking that this might help clear the non-linear chaos of my mind. normally i avoid this practical practice because... well because i can't actually say. maybe i feel like if i make it through the chaos in my own time/space/manner of coping then hey!

anyways, the thought came to me while i should have been taking notes on the battle of algiers (which is actually an excellent movie) that i was going to start listing the emotional clutter as well.

then i had a long conversation with a very drunk boy last night that made me realize a few things: we experience the same patterns of behavior with the same situations. all my relationships have consisted of the same components just a new face, a new set of circumstances.

it kind of inspired me ask if anyone else wants to play?

write it down, the emotional stuff you are sifting through. an inventory of heartaches or frustrations that somehow alleviate themselves when they are no longer abstracted thoughts but meaningless items waiting to be checked off a marginal agenda.

i love seeing hand written things. would anyone like to share their "lists"? it's like peeking at someone's journal... I'm going to start collecting and posting if anyone's interested in sharing.

i got a call the other day...

... asking me when it would be a good time to pick out bridesmaids dresses with a good friend of mine.

A NEW PROJECT IS BORN.

i have never been one to take self-portraits but on the suggestion of someone i might give it another shot.

there were few things i was ever sure of when i was leaving high school except for the fact that i would be the last of my friends to marry. i was usually the butt of the joke... it was often discussed that i would be happily single and living in a foreign country. everyone assumed they'd have to fly me and my foreign companion in from some far-off land. (assuming also that i could return after being an ex-pat. of course.)

i was so okay with this. i'm still okay with this... i guess i just thought it would happen when i was 27. don't ask me why 27... it just seemed like the approriate age. like give me a chance to defect from the country and find a foreign companion first okay? i'll take care of it by the time i'm 27.

i have one ex-boyfriend that's married now, and another that's engaged. i'm 21. was thinking that this was going to happen at 27... so far off? really? was it?

i will attend 3 more weddings in the next two years, two of which i will be a bridesmaid in.

i need to document this because as my friends are worrying about houses and weddings and china and inlaws... and babies? and retirement funds, while they do that i spend 8-14 hours of my day taking/making/talking or thinking about pictures. i need to document this because sometimes i just watch my own life unfold from the perspective of an unattached third party. i just watch myself like i watch a sitcom. because i know this is going to pan out something like i expected... but i won't be 27, and i won't fly in from europe, and i'll still be thinking i'm too young for this to actually be happening.

the first invitation came two weeks ago.

i watch my life like a sitcom, when i'm on my way to the bridal shower and secretly kind of bummed i'm missing a toga party? i'm so fucking mature...

like when my friend in D.C. called me after she was proposed to kennedy style. same booth in the same resturant john proposed to jackie. it was a friday night and Sara B and i were scrubbing trays... and hoping there would be an opportunity to get wasted that night.

i'm happy. i'm fufilled. this is what i wanted.

andrea called me after valentine's day to tell me she was engaged.

i was broken up with acouple days before... she asked me what was new with me... nothing. pictures. darkroom. school.

i'm happy. i'm fufilled. this is what i wanted.

seriously.

but it's true, it is, i don't envy them, i'm just in awe of how immature i am? am i really? i can't balance my checkbook, can't keep my room clean, sometimes i can't bring myself to get out of bed in the morning, and i sure can't keep someone in my life for more than acouple months if i even manage that... because most of the time i'm much too much chickenshit to even do anything about any feelings i have for anyone... so most of the time i just watch the people i care about most walk out of my life from an unattached third party perspective... because i'm watching a sitcom and this isn't my life.

but it is. and i'm not 27 yet. and that's not stopping anyone from growing up much too quickly. so what can i do but take pictures of it? or not, and continue watching like it's not actually my life.

me seeing you through your polaroids with love.

nadine and i had a photo date. i came over to her amazing apartment and she was already working on our lingere shoot for fashion class. she was photographing the slips in these images with her sx-70 and they are the softest most luminous polaroids. just beautiful. i hope she puts them up on her website soon.







i wanted to take an image of her like her polaroids.

things i must do; prefferably before november twenty-ninth- in no particular order

. form coherant thoughts

. go to wisconsin

. twice

. articulate said thoughts

. grow third arm

. learn to print digitally... well

. not fall asleep for periods of 36- 48 consecutive hours

. repeat

. become fluent in Italian through osmosis

. stop being cold all of the time

. figure out how to erase someone from my life, mind and memory

. clean my room

. take thought provoking pictures

. unpack from portland

. do nine loads of laundry

. clone myself

. teach clone me to teleport

. pick up a drug habit

. speed

. aquire Profoto battery and strobes

. dream

. stop having nightmares about the darkroom

. take a shower

. cook food that doesn't involve water and a microwave

. remember friends that don't have cameras' permenantly attached to personage

. find friends that don't have camera's permenantly attached to personage?

. stop leaving phone in car

. stop texting while driving

. stop treating the people that love you like shit

. bake pumpkin bread

. stop loving people that treat you like shit

. stop being a bitch

. stop bitching.

mother of corn!

sometimes things happen in wisconsin. more often than not they don't.

so you play in cornfields.





there's this field in wisconsin...





kind of familiar? alittle brighter, life's in color again.




occasionally it's comforting to be home and still strange to see the things that never registered when you saw them everyday. then you realize that the environment you were so steeped in is actually a world of oddities to anyone else. maybe that's a poignant universal truth... or maybe my family is actually comprised of a bunch of nutjobs.