Erichead!

My buddy from MCAD. Lovely illustrations, and a pretty decent breaker when he feels like dancing.

Eric Schuster

inventory

yesterday was an interesting day. elise and suzy have been nagging me about making lists thinking that this might help clear the non-linear chaos of my mind. normally i avoid this practical practice because... well because i can't actually say. maybe i feel like if i make it through the chaos in my own time/space/manner of coping then hey!

anyways, the thought came to me while i should have been taking notes on the battle of algiers (which is actually an excellent movie) that i was going to start listing the emotional clutter as well.

then i had a long conversation with a very drunk boy last night that made me realize a few things: we experience the same patterns of behavior with the same situations. all my relationships have consisted of the same components just a new face, a new set of circumstances.

it kind of inspired me ask if anyone else wants to play?

write it down, the emotional stuff you are sifting through. an inventory of heartaches or frustrations that somehow alleviate themselves when they are no longer abstracted thoughts but meaningless items waiting to be checked off a marginal agenda.

i love seeing hand written things. would anyone like to share their "lists"? it's like peeking at someone's journal... I'm going to start collecting and posting if anyone's interested in sharing.

i got a call the other day...

... asking me when it would be a good time to pick out bridesmaids dresses with a good friend of mine.

A NEW PROJECT IS BORN.

i have never been one to take self-portraits but on the suggestion of someone i might give it another shot.

there were few things i was ever sure of when i was leaving high school except for the fact that i would be the last of my friends to marry. i was usually the butt of the joke... it was often discussed that i would be happily single and living in a foreign country. everyone assumed they'd have to fly me and my foreign companion in from some far-off land. (assuming also that i could return after being an ex-pat. of course.)

i was so okay with this. i'm still okay with this... i guess i just thought it would happen when i was 27. don't ask me why 27... it just seemed like the approriate age. like give me a chance to defect from the country and find a foreign companion first okay? i'll take care of it by the time i'm 27.

i have one ex-boyfriend that's married now, and another that's engaged. i'm 21. was thinking that this was going to happen at 27... so far off? really? was it?

i will attend 3 more weddings in the next two years, two of which i will be a bridesmaid in.

i need to document this because as my friends are worrying about houses and weddings and china and inlaws... and babies? and retirement funds, while they do that i spend 8-14 hours of my day taking/making/talking or thinking about pictures. i need to document this because sometimes i just watch my own life unfold from the perspective of an unattached third party. i just watch myself like i watch a sitcom. because i know this is going to pan out something like i expected... but i won't be 27, and i won't fly in from europe, and i'll still be thinking i'm too young for this to actually be happening.

the first invitation came two weeks ago.

i watch my life like a sitcom, when i'm on my way to the bridal shower and secretly kind of bummed i'm missing a toga party? i'm so fucking mature...

like when my friend in D.C. called me after she was proposed to kennedy style. same booth in the same resturant john proposed to jackie. it was a friday night and Sara B and i were scrubbing trays... and hoping there would be an opportunity to get wasted that night.

i'm happy. i'm fufilled. this is what i wanted.

andrea called me after valentine's day to tell me she was engaged.

i was broken up with acouple days before... she asked me what was new with me... nothing. pictures. darkroom. school.

i'm happy. i'm fufilled. this is what i wanted.

seriously.

but it's true, it is, i don't envy them, i'm just in awe of how immature i am? am i really? i can't balance my checkbook, can't keep my room clean, sometimes i can't bring myself to get out of bed in the morning, and i sure can't keep someone in my life for more than acouple months if i even manage that... because most of the time i'm much too much chickenshit to even do anything about any feelings i have for anyone... so most of the time i just watch the people i care about most walk out of my life from an unattached third party perspective... because i'm watching a sitcom and this isn't my life.

but it is. and i'm not 27 yet. and that's not stopping anyone from growing up much too quickly. so what can i do but take pictures of it? or not, and continue watching like it's not actually my life.

me seeing you through your polaroids with love.

nadine and i had a photo date. i came over to her amazing apartment and she was already working on our lingere shoot for fashion class. she was photographing the slips in these images with her sx-70 and they are the softest most luminous polaroids. just beautiful. i hope she puts them up on her website soon.







i wanted to take an image of her like her polaroids.

things i must do; prefferably before november twenty-ninth- in no particular order

. form coherant thoughts

. go to wisconsin

. twice

. articulate said thoughts

. grow third arm

. learn to print digitally... well

. not fall asleep for periods of 36- 48 consecutive hours

. repeat

. become fluent in Italian through osmosis

. stop being cold all of the time

. figure out how to erase someone from my life, mind and memory

. clean my room

. take thought provoking pictures

. unpack from portland

. do nine loads of laundry

. clone myself

. teach clone me to teleport

. pick up a drug habit

. speed

. aquire Profoto battery and strobes

. dream

. stop having nightmares about the darkroom

. take a shower

. cook food that doesn't involve water and a microwave

. remember friends that don't have cameras' permenantly attached to personage

. find friends that don't have camera's permenantly attached to personage?

. stop leaving phone in car

. stop texting while driving

. stop treating the people that love you like shit

. bake pumpkin bread

. stop loving people that treat you like shit

. stop being a bitch

. stop bitching.